I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
