Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize