Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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