my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
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