i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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