why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I need a beard to bite.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
