i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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