The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
