so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
pray to the hookup gods
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
