Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
only you would photoshop your dick
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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