he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
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