what day is it and did you see me today?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
