here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize