alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
