apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
