If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
