Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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