Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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