you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
