i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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