God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
