How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
did i just pee glitter
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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