i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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