We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
