I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
