dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
