woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize