Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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