U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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