i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
