I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So much Jack, so little girl.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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