You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
