She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
