I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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