I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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