It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
