would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
