It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
