She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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