tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
