He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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