I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
