your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
