Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
