Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
