There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
