Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
