I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
