Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
