I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
