Betty ford says i'm here all night
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
God, I missed his penis.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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