I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
