It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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