i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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