I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
