No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
