You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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