There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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