remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
