Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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