I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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