She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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